Healing After a Breakup: Why It Physically Hurts and How to Move On

You wake up in the morning. For the first three seconds, everything feels normal. Then, the memory hits you like a truck: They are gone.

Your chest feels heavy, tight. Your stomach turns. You feel a literal ache in your bones. You can’t eat. You can’t focus. You feel like you are physically dying.

And then people tell you helpful things like: “Arre, forget it. You will find someone better.” You want to scream at them.

As a Clinical Psychologist, I am here to tell you that you are not being dramatic. What you are feeling is real, medical, and biological. You aren’t just “sad.” You are in withdrawal.

The Science: Why Your Chest Actually Hurts

We used to think “heartbreak” was just a poetic metaphor. We were wrong.

In brain scan studies (fMRI), when we show people pictures of their ex-partners, the parts of the brain that light up are the same parts that light up when you break a bone or get burned (the Anterior Cingulate Cortex).

To your brain, the loss of a primary attachment figure registers as a Physical Threat to Survival. Your nervous system goes into shock. That tightness in your chest? That is stress cardiomyopathy (Broken Heart Syndrome). Your heart muscles are literally stunned by adrenaline.

So, when you say “it hurts,” you are scientifically correct. Treat yourself like you are recovering from a surgery, not just a bad mood.

The “Addiction” Phase (Why You Can’t Stop Checking)

Here is the hard truth: Love is a drug. When you were with your partner, your brain was getting steady hits of Dopamine and Oxytocin. Now, the supply has been cut off. Cold turkey.

You are currently a heroin addict in rehab.

• Checking their Instagram = Getting a small “hit.”
• Re-reading old chats = Scrapping the bottom of the barrel for residue.
• Texting them = Relapsing.

Every time you “check up” on them, you reset your recovery clock to Day 0. You aren’t missing them; you are missing the chemical high they gave you.

The “Secret Grief” of Indian Relationships

In India, breakups are often harder because they are silent. If you were dating secretly (because your parents wouldn’t approve), you now have to grieve secretly. You have to cry in the shower. You have to sit at the dinner table and pretend to be happy while your mom asks why you aren’t eating. You cannot tell your family, so you carry the corpse of the relationship alone. This Disenfranchised Grief (grief that isn’t acknowledged by society) is toxic because it has nowhere to go.

The 4-Step Protocol to Move On

You cannot think your way out of this. You have to act your way out.

Step 1: The “No Contact” Tourniquet

This is non-negotiable. You cannot heal a wound if you keep picking at the scab.

• Block them everywhere. Yes, everywhere.
• Delete the number. (Write it on a piece of paper and give it to a friend if you are too scared to lose it forever, but delete it from your phone).
• Hide the photos. Put them on a pen drive and give it to someone else.
• Why? Out of sight, out of mind. If you don’t see their face, your dopamine receptors eventually stop screaming for them.

Step 2: Kill the “Fantasy Future”

You aren’t just mourning the person. You are mourning the future you planned.

• The wedding you imagined.
• The names of your future kids.
• The trips you planned. That future is dead. You have to bury it. Write a letter to that future, say goodbye, and burn the paper. It sounds dramatic, but your brain needs a ritual to understand “The End.”

Step 3: Fill the “Time Void”

You used to spend 2 hours a day talking to them. Now, you have a 2-hour hole in your day. If you leave that hole empty, anxiety will fill it.

• Fill it aggressively. Join a gym. Learn guitar. Call a friend.
• The Rule: You are not allowed to sit in your room doing nothing between 7 PM and 10 PM (the danger zone).

Step 4: The “Urge Surfing” Technique

When the urge to text them comes (and it will), do not fight it. Say to yourself: “I am having an urge to text. It feels like a wave. It will peak, and then it will crash.” Wait 15 minutes. The intensity will drop.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If the “Secret Grief” is eating you up, you need a place to let it out.

• When You Want to Text Them (VentOut): Save our link as a bookmark. Every time you pick up your phone to text your ex, text our Wellness Listeners instead. Scream, cry, abuse the situation. Let us take the load so you don’t break No Contact. Text a Listener Instead of Your Ex
• Is it Grief or Depression? If it has been 6 months and you still can’t get out of bed, it might have turned into Clinical Depression. Check your score. Take the Depression Test
• Repairing Attachment Wounds: If you find yourself in a cycle of toxic relationships, you might need to heal your childhood attachment style with a Clinical Psychologist. Find a Relationship Therapist

Final Thought

The pain you feel right now is the price of having loved deeply. It is a receipt that proves you are human. It will not last forever. One day, you will wake up, drink your coffee, and realize you haven’t thought about them all morning. That day is coming. Just keep walking.

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📚 References & Further Reading

1. Kross, E., et al. – Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain (PNAS).
2. Fisher, Helen – The Brain in Love (and Heartbreak).
3. Guy Winch – How to Fix a Broken Heart.